“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe
From Breakup to Breakthrough
Through the years, I have worked with many clients who sought to get over a breakup and “move on” as quickly as possible. The thinking is that if we wallow in our pain for too long, we will miss opportunities. As I have gone through my healing journey, with the last portion of it as a single woman, I can tell you that being single allows you to explore what it is you need without sacrificing your spiritual and emotional development for the needs of someone else. In fact, I believe that all parents and married couples who go through a spiritual awakening while in relationships should be given a medal - it is the most exhausting, taxing and emotional experience one can go through!
If on the other hand, you start the process while you are single, you can not only grieve the part of you that is not currently in a relationship, you can begin to actually get to know yourself. It is in the process of re-discovering who you really are that will eventually lead you to the RIGHT relationship.
As I talk about extensively in my forthcoming book, Toxic Insecurity, the estimates of how much trauma our culture has experienced are astounding. Add in that you may carry the trauma of your family through the generation and the estimates of who has been touched by trauma skyrocket. Conservatively we are looking at 50-60% of the population. In other words, we all have a lot of healing and emotional work to do before we meet the right person.
Growth Not Perfection
Does this mean that we need to be perfectly healed before we get into a relationship? Absolutely not. It does, however, mean learning to not abandon yourself in a relationship so that you can continue on your journey. Many of the relationships along the way will be karmic in nature - they will appear to help you with your spiritual development and push you along your path. It is, however, your responsibility to learn to recognize the signs that someone is choosing to join you on that path or is not ready. This is where many of us get caught on our journey and why being single rather than married to the wrong person is truly a blessing in disguise.
Our culture teaches us to be attracted to narcissistic people. They display a false sense of confidence, they are usually financially successful and they appear to run the world. Underneath the exterior, however, is someone who could never meet our emotional needs because they struggle to even identify or own their own. Narcissists appear to teach you valuable lessons along your journey. If you are paying attention, you will quickly learn that these personalities are attracted to you and your rising light simply because they have an unconscious wish to do the same but are actively choosing to not do the work.
A Narcissist is your Opportunity
How many times have you thought that someone was NOT a narcissist because you saw potential in them? I have. And while those people may not meet criteria for a personality disorder, the self-involved behavior is a sign of emotionally unavailability. It does not matter for what reason, it simply signals that this person - even if you have had past lives together - is not ready in this current life to wake up and assist you in your growth. It is this realization and learning that make karmic relationships vitally important for our overall development.
Some of us, however, are not so lucky. We married the narcissist and may be going through a nasty divorce. We may have married the narcissist, divorced, and refused to do our work so we ended up marrying another one. Taking the time in your single status to actively work through your spiritual and emotional development is the only way to stop the merry-go-round of toxic relationships.
When you are single, you can choose to go on a retreat. You can choose to go to therapy. You can choose to go to yoga or a healer. You can choose to meditate. You can choose to spend time with like minded friends. You can choose all of these avenues of healing without fear that someone you are responsible for is going to disapprove.
So why is it that so many of my single clients simply refuse to continue living via the status quo?
You have spent your whole life being told by your family, community and culture that being brave and doing what it is you need to do to take care of yourself is a stupid idea. You’ve been taught to value your finances over your emotional and mental health. You have been taught to value status over taking a radical inventory of what you actually value in life. Stepping away from everything you have ever known to give yourself the space for a reboot is not easy. I have, however, looked at my client’s successes and realized that the ones who are ready to embrace their exploratory nature and take chances, are the ones rewarded with finding their soul purpose AND a life partner.
I promise it can be done. I’ve done it on more than one occasion!