More and more of my friends and clients are tired of online dating and are willingly choosing to remain single. Yet, it is not the choice that comes with empowerment and exhilaration, it is the choice that comes from exhaustion and hopelessness.Read More
Most of us have heard from experts and the internet to “be ourselves” when we meet new people. Professionally, personally, and, most of all, romantically, “conforming” has shown itself in constant, varying patterns. How many times have you been on a date and heard “I like jazz Music too!”? It can be difficult to know whether people are being truthful or trying to please you.
What is Conforming?
In the dating world, conforming is when you act similarly to the person you are dating — in personality, interests, or experiences– even if it may not be how you typically act. Pick up artists, in particular, will increase their chances of “scoring” by conforming to the answers and moods of the person in question. It’s an understandable practice — when you’re nervous before a first date, you may find yourself accidentally blurting out, “Me? I also love death metal!” just to make a connection with the cutie sitting across from you at the table. I totally get it– you’re looking for things to talk about to make the conversation for the other person easy and enjoyable even if you are telling half-truths left and right. But while conforming may be the easiest way to go about your dinner date conversation in the moment, you run many risks when you offhandedly agree to everything your date says and does.
This Risks of Conforming
In the entire process of conforming, you lose the essence of a first date– the fun. While we lie and placate the other person, we stress ourselves in multiple ways. On the surface, when we conform, we are under pressure to know the subject we claim to love, and know it thoroughly. Moreover, we are constantly worried about anything blowing our covers.
Going beyond this stress, we also miss the chance to accurately determine our compatibility with the other person. Feigning interest in something that actually bores you will only jeopardize the chances of both of you getting to know each other well. Another embarrassing effect of conforming can be the chances of revealing your false interest several dates later; when your date invites you to the Dark Tranquility concert next week and you absentmindedly reply, “Who?”
Not only is a situation like this embarrassing, but it can also break the trust of the person you’re dating. As many people value trust in a relationship, showing a potential partner that you already aren’t being 100% truthful with them may be a breach in their trust. While of course this wasn’t your initial intention, your goal to please your date may backfire more severely than you would think.
My Experience with Conforming
I once dated a man who completely swept me off my feet with his interests in music and travel. I was intrigued by the fact that he had studied jazz history and traveled all over France just like I had. Moreover, the fact that he was older and more mature was another bonus. I indulged him for a couple more dates until I decided to take him to a jazz bar in New York. I was shocked that I had not noticed the fake ID he had been using to get into every bar we had been going to. To exacerbate the situation, the young gentleman did not seem to have any interest in any of the jazz numbers the live band was playing. After all that, I was not interested to have a look at his passport for his real name, age or even his Schengen Visa for Paris.
So the next time you are on a first date, don’t conform to every single thing your date says or does. Instead, express genuine interest in what they are talking about and ask them to tell you more about it. That way, you can still enjoy a lively conversation about something your date is passionate about while still being truthful to yourself. So if you want a genuine shot at a happily-ever-after in jazz world or Paris, be honest, be true and be you.
Human Design is a spiritual system aimed at helping you better understand your soul’s purpose. Drawing on the chakra system, the concept of energy, the Kabbalah, the I Ching and various other spiritual systems, Human Design has taken over in popularity among Millennials. Originally conceived by a man named Alan (Robert) Krakower in the 1980s, human design has become a point of interest for those beginning the spiritual journey. Krakower originally created the system after a very unusual mystical experience in Ibiza, Spain and continued to teach what he learned until his death a few years ago. While there are many layers to the human design system, its foundational information focuses on type.
Overview of Human Design Types
In the human design system there are 4 types: Manifestor, Manifesting Generator & Generator, Projector, and Reflector. According to the human design system, Manifestors used to be our kings and queens; generators, our slaves; projectors, our knowledgeable sages; and reflectors, our wisest people. Manifestors are rare, less than 10% of the population, yet our society and culture trains most people to act like a manifestor. It is that go getter attitude that reminds you to follow through on every brilliant idea you come up with on your own. This is particularly problematic for Manifesting Generators and Generators who make up at least 70% of our world population. Generators are here to respond, often to what manifestors put out in the world. It is little wonder why conventional dating advice simply does not work for most people - especially men. If you are born to respond, you have to stop trying to be something you are not.
Why Manifesting Generators and Generators are Important
The overarching idea behind human design is to give people the tools to better understand the role they play in the Universe. Some of us are designed to create energy for others and some of us are designed to use that energy wisely. Some of us are born leaders, others of us are born to help bring those ideas to fruition. I have found that the concepts are particularly helpful in my work as a relationship coach as it helps a client question if they have the RIGHT work and the RIGHT relationships. 70% of us are designed to focus on finding the RIGHT work and family but our society and culture tells us to disregard relationships, marriage and family for entrepreneur or work related endeavors that seek to simply create a lot of money and status.
Where Generators Go Wrong in Dating
After years of working toward a goal that my client’s believed they wanted, many become exhausted and frustrated. Frustration is the sign that the 70% of us are NOT living true to our own purpose. We are forcing things to happen rather than following the signs. We are chasing and busy trying to manifest when we are not listening to our intuition. We are busy running around instead of channeling our creativity. This is the plight of a generator or manifesting generator who is out of balance and not living true to their nature.
For those generators that discover that they can’t rush decisions and need to exercise more patience (and perhaps trust in the Universe), the transition is excruciatingly difficult. It often shows up most prominently in the development of new relationships, especially if the person is a generator male. Believing that they now need to wait for a woman or a person to talk to them before responding to the opportunity (e.g. asking for a date), generators miss many dating opportunities causing even more frustration.
Why Living your Design Helps your Dating Life
In order for a generator or manifesting generator to date correctly, they must be living their design and taking care of their energy. It is only in those moments of living in the present, that you can actually see the other person’s smile (more than enough of a sign to respond to), their body language (a hair flip may be enough to respond to), or if you have more intuitive thoughts, you can listen in for another sign to respond to. Everywhere you go, there are people and situations to respond to. For the generator, dating should be a smorgasbord of opportunity. Unfortunately, we are all so closed down energetically and emotionally that we simply do not see it that way. We get stuck on rules that are meant for other types and miss the opportunities.
Online Dating for MG and Generators
Online dating should be part of the dating strategy for MGs and generators. Why? A profile is enough to respond to! Too many MGs and generators confuse response with needing to wait for an invitation. They are two different strategies. If you see a profile you like and your gut response is “hell yes!” then it is more than enough information to respond to. Go ahead and start a conversation. Overthinking at this stage is not helpful.
Many of my male generator clients struggle with the idea of response simply because their perception of something to respond to is a verbal conversation. It is not. It can be a recognition that your energy elevated in the presence of a particular person of interest. It could be that they smiled at you and that is enough to check in with your gut and respond “yes” or “no.” It could be that you simply see someone you are interested and it is a “hell yes” response to explore what the connection is about. Generators are built to respond to the things that light them up - including people they meet along the way. Anything less than following you simple “yes” or “no” gut strategy means you are not dating according to your type.
If you are a Manifesting Generator, this process works much more quickly. The trick is to be much more conscious of the process so that you are responding to the people that light you up and make you happy and not giving too much attention to those people that bring you down.
Final Note for Pure Generators
If you are a pure generator, it is imperative that you live according to your design and be authentically who you are. Once you commit your energy to exploring a dating opportunity with someone, you will be pulled to explore the entire relationship from beginning to end. You do not have the superpower of stopping that energetic pull like your manifesting generator friends. Discernment will be your best friend - especially if you have emotional authority. Do not rush to respond or feel like you need to go to the other person’s pace. Discerning choices will help you stay balanced and help you manifest your desires. If, however, you are like me and have had a slew of karmic relationships show up, don’t get dismayed. You learn a lot from these people that will serve you well when it is time to meet your soulmate.
“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears.”
— Rudyard Kipling
Over the past two week alone, I’ve had multiple conversations with men about the “crazy” women they have dated and want to run away from. Each time I hear a story, I want to laugh. It is so readily apparent that there is such fear of emotions in our culture that even the slightest difficulty in making a decision sends non-emotional or emotionally avoidant men running for the hills. Emotionally secure people simply do not have trouble handling the emotions of others but emotionally insecure people often do not realize that their reaction to someone else is a sign that personal growth work is needed (and yes, even if you are an empath. Sensitivity is not an excuse!)
This type of language also indicates a complete lack of education around how someone’s relationship history, stressful conversations and their physiological responses can morph into a really unpleasant and toxic experiences.
The Conversation Has Started
The good news is that men are asking for help to better understand why emotional people act the way they do. It has started a conversation, at the very least, which is a breath of fresh air. As a deeply emotional woman myself, I cannot tell you how painful it is to be completely misunderstood simply because I’m having a bad day. At this point in my life, I’ve learned to have more compassion and patience with myself and recognize my emotions as the superpower they are, but unfortunately, other people, especially men have not learned to see the strength in the perceived weakness. We live in a culture that often sees the negatives first, rather than the beauty in difficult behavior. We do not realize how much an emotional person has suffered in his or her past and simply assume that something is “wrong with them” rather than they are healing from something bad that happened to them.
One young man reported to me that he broke things off with a woman he had been seeing on and off for many years. He wanted to know why she kept extending the conversation and brought up his family issues when he wanted to simply be done with the relationship. I was the first one to tell him that women often need to understand the situation and the WHY before moving on. You can’t walk in, state your truth after almost a decade and expect someone to say, “Sounds good. See you never.” Except that IS what he expected and he didn’t think to plan the conversation around what she may need to hear. To this woman’s credit, she called him out on his inability to process emotions that likely stemmed back to his broken relationship with a female family member who has a history of profound difficulties managing her emotions. She suggested individual therapy and a delay in decision making, he thought she was crazy and projecting onto him. He stormed out of the conversation.
If I could speak to this young woman, I would say bravo. It is unfortunate that he is not ready to see that his past is affecting his present but you never know if your bravery in sharing your thoughts and feelings during a difficult situation is the catalyst to get someone who is not in touch with his emotions into therapy or other personal growth pursuits. She is not crazy, she simply put the burden of responsibility back to where it belonged.
A friend of mine also recounted a trip with a woman he was thinking of rekindling a relationship with. She showed up on this trip as incredibly difficult, having trouble making decisions and seemed to be trying to control everything. She would ask to taste five different wines after asking for a recommendation. She wouldn’t accept his opinions. She invited other people to join them without asking him first. I agreed that she was being a pain in the ass but it also sounded like she was about to go through a major life change. The behavior was out of character for her. Rather than get to the bottom of what was REALLY going on, he literally left her in the middle of the trip unable to recognize that he also has control issues he needs to let go of!
When men run from “crazy” it is because they have a deep inability to deal with their own emotions. When I suggested he call her in a few weeks to check in and see how she was doing (since they have an almost two decade history together), he asked why he would check in with someone having “issues.” I simply said that when you have risen high enough in your own life and energy, extending compassion should not feel scary or like work. It is simply what emotionally secure people do with friends who are important to them. He hadn’t thought about it that way and asked for a referral so he can figure out what he needed to do to improve in this area in his life.
Extending compassion is what leaders do. Yet, too many of our men don’t realize that by not stepping into their true masculine energy (where emotions are dealt with in a healthy way), they actually can trigger deeply emotional people to become anxious and unhinged. Emotional people know when you are unavailable long before you have a clue and while it is on the emotional person to do his or her work to earn their emotional security, you also have to move away from avoidance to being open to dealing with emotions in a healthier manner.
People show up in our lives to be our mirrors of our own thoughts, feelings and emotional states. I’ve long learned to stay home when I’m feeling off as I know my emotions have a great impact on other people. Yet, when I feel like I’m on the top of the world, it is an energy to share with others, especially men, in order to help them learn how to ride the wave of emotions. Emotions are nothing to be scared of. They are simply data and information - some of us just have more access to this data than others. For example, when angry people started showing up in my life, I realized I probably had to process some anger related to the men in my family that I was repressing. When I took charge of my own development and healed my emotions, these people stopped showing up.
So the next time your brother, guy friend or co-worker tells you of yet another “crazy” woman in his dating life, listen with the ear of trying to help him. Be a teacher. Don’t criticize. He hasn’t learned that these women are showing up to teach him to let go of the control, to embrace his own emotions, and to harness their superpowers. They, do however, show up as a sign to deal with your own insecurity! When the day comes and he is ready to do that personal growth work, you can send him my way - he’ll never call an emotionally centered person “crazy” ever again - he’ll want to know where he has to grow in his security and will be willing to do the work to get to that place of peace.
After recently exiting a short but “it’s complicated” relationship, I had too much time on my hands and a busy mind that needed to heal. Trying to understand what happened in an “it’s complicated” relationship is, after all, totally normal. My solution? I scrolled endlessly through my several zodiac and astrology apps. Co- Star became my best friend, The Pattern became my guru, and my $9.99 a month Tarot+ app gave me a chance to do more readings than I could ever dream of! I was told, “Today, you will break down”, “That little void is going to lie empty for another 2 months and it will all be okay”, etc. The stars shone light on what I was missing out on but they also told me that my partner wasn’t my sun and my moon after all. (Yeah right- easy for you to say Co- Star!) These daily motivational quotes did get me out of bed but they didn’t exactly have a plan to recover from a bad breakup. I still had to figure out how to avoid that pint of ice cream!
While this may seem like an angry hate letter to the man I thought was the center of my Universe for a hot second, it really is a note of hope and guidance to everyone looking to recover from these types of relationships. Yes, Mercury, Venus, Neptune and Jupiter can take our love lives with them into retrograde, our pasts can cause us to accrue a load of self- doubt, and anxiety always making us spiral. Yet, in the midst of all the tears, ice- cream eating, self- loathing and trash- talking, we can remember to take care of ourselves. So I’m going to bring in some crystal talk and help you take the right steps to find the real answers to healing those karmic relationships you thought were your life long soulmates. Because, in reality, these relationships really suck, drain the life out of you, and leave you feeling like WTF just happened!
Peel the Past, Heal the Present, Seal the Future
Every website, every guide, every friend will CHANT the same old mantra: “Move on! Move on!” I’m not going to deny the power of “moving on”, but I will ask you to process it before you move on. “Getting over it”, does not, like a lot of people say, mean getting under someone else- it means getting a hold of the situation and making sense of everything you shared with your partner. It may take you a while to acknowledge the good, but once you do, you will remember the good that YOU did. Meditate over all the things you did super right before you try to forget all the things they did right. Get a hold of it, get over it, heal yourself, say “thank you, next”, and repeat. And when you feel strong enough, send them some loving kindness to wish them the very best in their future.
Don’t Mull Until You Are Dull - A Breakup is Not the End, Just a New Beginning
You’re not in an episode of Gossip Girl, nor are you a character from The Notebook. Our first loves, no matter what age, drain all of us - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. With age, however, we have a lot more resources at our disposal. Besides the cognitive skills I have accumulated over the 22 years, I have also gained access to wine, gym memberships, yoga mats, and makeup. So after you have meditated over your past, wake up one morning and start with the first step- bathe in the sun on your yoga mat and develop a practice that makes you feel better. Go for a great workout session (look around- you might find someone that can carry not only 120 pound weights but also a little more attachment security!) Look good, feel good and enjoy a great glass of wine at the end of the day!
Innovate at Any Rate - Creativity Heals
Our emotions can get take many shapes and forms- drunk texts, petty unfollows, and sob emails (yes, these are all my emotional avatars). This time, I decided to change things up and it felt so good! So every time you want to listen to a heartbroken song- write one instead. If your arms and legs feel the need to punch a bag, break the dance floor at a local Tango club. If your fingers itch to open your message app, open your notes app and publish a groundbreaking article! (What do you think I’m doing?) Follow your deepest, darkest hidden passions and invest in a new hobby. Don’t be a cheapskate- innovate!
Stop Stalking, Keep Walking
It’s such a small world, right? Yes, so you will bump into them. You might even make sure you go to their favorite local evening bar to catch a glimpse of them. More so, if you see them with another date on their instagram story, you might google map straight off to that location. How’s that going to end? I’ve always envisioned bumping into my ex on the street, falling into his arms, and sharing the second best kiss of my entire life with him- BEEP! No. The steps mentioned above are keys to the answer- and the answer is most likely going to be- toxicity. Charge your crystals and carry them around and keep walking with your head held high.
Karmic relationships come charged with passion, romance and lessons. They resemble the Hinge app- they are “designed to be deleted” and the only thing you take away from them are the lessons and perhaps, the memories. Swipe left on all the negativity, and super like yourself, the world, and the millions of opportunities that lie ahead of you. Your destiny is not tied to a relationship or a partner- carve out time to go on your own adventures and seek your own truth and meaning. Be the best version of yourselves before you search for better fish in the sea!